Death to the United Provinces of Smugness
In the dissapointing third installment of the Austin Powers trilogy, there's one funny moment when Austin's father, played by Michael Caine tells us that there's two things he cant stand: people who're intolerant of other cultures - and the Dutch.
It's funny because while there's never been any love lost between the English, French and Germans, most of it's managed to bypass the low countries, with Holland in particular regarded by many people as having an ideal balance in the way it runs it's country and it's people regarded as relaxed and tolerant, while their neighbours are percieved as being arrogant (Britain), Rude (France), or German (Germany).
While Dutch people are generally polite, probably the most annoying thing about them, apart from their language, is the smugness. While it's true that they have much to be smug about, living as they do in one of the most open and equitable societies in the world, sometimes their attitude to the rest of the world can be extremely grating. When I was working as a horticultural technician for arond 55% of what was the statutory minimum wage in the country at the time, my boss managed to reinforce the stereotype of smugness as well as parsimony by lecturing me endlessly on the situation in Northern Ireland. There was little point in telling him that the homicide rate was higher in Amsterdam than in Belfast, or that the conflict in the North really had nothing to more to do with me than the conflict in East Timor had to do with him.
What was most curious was that told me that they used to have the same sort of problems way back when, as if I hadn't got the point that their society was generally more advanced in every way. I remember my father had been to the Netherlands a few years earlier, and he faced the same anti-Irish prejudice. He told me that they were stunned by his intelligence, which he didn't mean as any sort of boast, just that they imagined that we were all idiots because we were so much poorer than them at the time.
We're richer now, so we must suddenly have got smarter in the last ten years.
I'm still wondering what those ethnic problems they used to have were. Was it when the Germans invaded their country in the 40's, or the French in the 1790's, or the Spanish in the 15th and 16th century? I'm pretty sure if the area near the German border was still part of Germany and half the population were German and they marched under nazi flags on Hitler's birthday the Dutch natives wouldn't lay down and accept this, though that was the premise of all his endless condesencion.
Yet in the years that followed the war some unspeakably terrible things happened in Indonesia, though they've more or less gotten away with them as they suffered so much under the nazis. It wasn't that they were repressed that much, it's just that Holland had a history of being an imperial power and being a colony was a bit much for it to take. The odd thing is that it's colonial empire was based on sand as they would have been invaded by Germany a long time before if it had been a unified state, and it was protected from France by a natural border with France in the shape of a big soggy marsh which froze over in 1795 allowing the French Revolutionary directory to take over their country virtually instanteneously. When you know stuff like this, their smugness seems a lot less justified.
Yet I'm sure that if I went there again right now, I'd encounter the same prejudices. I can console myself by saying that they're probably just jealous that we're so much richer than them and have so much more literary talent. After all, Holland's most famous writer was a 13-year-old German girl. (They do have lots of good painters). And we're richer than them. Did I mention that? We have more of the one thing Dutch people like most - money.
And, Oh, I almost forgot, theirs is the country that has more chance of ethnic conflict in the short-term. Just as their empire in the past was based on sand, the facade of liberlism is based on the exploitation of immigrants from places like Morocco and Kurdistan. So there probably wouldn't be a million dutch on permanent sick leave sitting around smoking dope if there wasn't the same number of immigrants willing to work in their place. Clearly the Dutch authorities must have thought that the immigrants would merely fight among themselves like they always do, after all that was how their countries got colonised in the first place. Instead, it seems many of them have links to organistions like Al-Queada.
The chickens started to come home to roost when Pim Fortuyn, a bald, homosexual, rascist (only in Holland) who insisted that the country was "full" got killed a few years ago. Next up was Theo Van Gogh, a filmaker who said that Islam was a "retarded" religion. (He has a point)
I'm afraid that something has to be done about these awful Dutch people fighting each other. Perhaps the British Army should intervene and stop them, they've done such a good job in the North. Of course, the Irish army have an excellent record in peacekeeping missions abroad, and wouldn't the irony be piquant.
But, with the revelation that the man who sold chemical weapons to Sadamm Hussein was also Dutch, perhaps they're going to face a war from George W Bush. The country seems to fit all the criteria for invasion, it gives comfort to terrorists by giving them employment and supplies arms to terrorist regimes.
It wouldn't be that hard to put together a coalition of the willing. Britain is no problem, Bush just has to go down to the butchers and get a nice bone for Tone. Germany might come on board as they've never forgiven Frank Rikhard for that incident in the 1990 world cup. Even France might join as they used to own Holland before and Louis Napoleon might have been concieved in the Royal Palace in Amsterdam. Spain, too, has a proud history of Holland-owning.
Though Holland is an advanced industrial economy, invading it would be relatively easy, as much of the country is under water. In fact, if Bush wants to destroy this hotbed of terrorism, he should just let Americans pump greenhouse gases into the athmosphere as much as they want and Holland will eventually sink.
Which is pretty much what he's doing already.
Maybe he's smarter than I gave him credit for.
It's funny because while there's never been any love lost between the English, French and Germans, most of it's managed to bypass the low countries, with Holland in particular regarded by many people as having an ideal balance in the way it runs it's country and it's people regarded as relaxed and tolerant, while their neighbours are percieved as being arrogant (Britain), Rude (France), or German (Germany).
While Dutch people are generally polite, probably the most annoying thing about them, apart from their language, is the smugness. While it's true that they have much to be smug about, living as they do in one of the most open and equitable societies in the world, sometimes their attitude to the rest of the world can be extremely grating. When I was working as a horticultural technician for arond 55% of what was the statutory minimum wage in the country at the time, my boss managed to reinforce the stereotype of smugness as well as parsimony by lecturing me endlessly on the situation in Northern Ireland. There was little point in telling him that the homicide rate was higher in Amsterdam than in Belfast, or that the conflict in the North really had nothing to more to do with me than the conflict in East Timor had to do with him.
What was most curious was that told me that they used to have the same sort of problems way back when, as if I hadn't got the point that their society was generally more advanced in every way. I remember my father had been to the Netherlands a few years earlier, and he faced the same anti-Irish prejudice. He told me that they were stunned by his intelligence, which he didn't mean as any sort of boast, just that they imagined that we were all idiots because we were so much poorer than them at the time.
We're richer now, so we must suddenly have got smarter in the last ten years.
I'm still wondering what those ethnic problems they used to have were. Was it when the Germans invaded their country in the 40's, or the French in the 1790's, or the Spanish in the 15th and 16th century? I'm pretty sure if the area near the German border was still part of Germany and half the population were German and they marched under nazi flags on Hitler's birthday the Dutch natives wouldn't lay down and accept this, though that was the premise of all his endless condesencion.
Yet in the years that followed the war some unspeakably terrible things happened in Indonesia, though they've more or less gotten away with them as they suffered so much under the nazis. It wasn't that they were repressed that much, it's just that Holland had a history of being an imperial power and being a colony was a bit much for it to take. The odd thing is that it's colonial empire was based on sand as they would have been invaded by Germany a long time before if it had been a unified state, and it was protected from France by a natural border with France in the shape of a big soggy marsh which froze over in 1795 allowing the French Revolutionary directory to take over their country virtually instanteneously. When you know stuff like this, their smugness seems a lot less justified.
Yet I'm sure that if I went there again right now, I'd encounter the same prejudices. I can console myself by saying that they're probably just jealous that we're so much richer than them and have so much more literary talent. After all, Holland's most famous writer was a 13-year-old German girl. (They do have lots of good painters). And we're richer than them. Did I mention that? We have more of the one thing Dutch people like most - money.
And, Oh, I almost forgot, theirs is the country that has more chance of ethnic conflict in the short-term. Just as their empire in the past was based on sand, the facade of liberlism is based on the exploitation of immigrants from places like Morocco and Kurdistan. So there probably wouldn't be a million dutch on permanent sick leave sitting around smoking dope if there wasn't the same number of immigrants willing to work in their place. Clearly the Dutch authorities must have thought that the immigrants would merely fight among themselves like they always do, after all that was how their countries got colonised in the first place. Instead, it seems many of them have links to organistions like Al-Queada.
The chickens started to come home to roost when Pim Fortuyn, a bald, homosexual, rascist (only in Holland) who insisted that the country was "full" got killed a few years ago. Next up was Theo Van Gogh, a filmaker who said that Islam was a "retarded" religion. (He has a point)
I'm afraid that something has to be done about these awful Dutch people fighting each other. Perhaps the British Army should intervene and stop them, they've done such a good job in the North. Of course, the Irish army have an excellent record in peacekeeping missions abroad, and wouldn't the irony be piquant.
But, with the revelation that the man who sold chemical weapons to Sadamm Hussein was also Dutch, perhaps they're going to face a war from George W Bush. The country seems to fit all the criteria for invasion, it gives comfort to terrorists by giving them employment and supplies arms to terrorist regimes.
It wouldn't be that hard to put together a coalition of the willing. Britain is no problem, Bush just has to go down to the butchers and get a nice bone for Tone. Germany might come on board as they've never forgiven Frank Rikhard for that incident in the 1990 world cup. Even France might join as they used to own Holland before and Louis Napoleon might have been concieved in the Royal Palace in Amsterdam. Spain, too, has a proud history of Holland-owning.
Though Holland is an advanced industrial economy, invading it would be relatively easy, as much of the country is under water. In fact, if Bush wants to destroy this hotbed of terrorism, he should just let Americans pump greenhouse gases into the athmosphere as much as they want and Holland will eventually sink.
Which is pretty much what he's doing already.
Maybe he's smarter than I gave him credit for.
posted by seamus @ 4:01 pm
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