2005: Let Me tell you how it will Be

Predicting the future is a dangerous business. Who would have thought a year ago that George Bush would have been reelected in dubious circumstances, in spite of Michael Moore’s efforts to topple him, that Chelsea would be top of the league by eight points, that people paid to kill people in Iraq would also torture them, or that David Blunkett would do something colosolly stupid? Or that U2 would release a new album that was respectfully received by the media? Nonetheless, I’m going to stick my neck on the proverbial block, dust off my crystal ball, drill a hole in the top and use it as a kettle and see what the tea leaves have in store for humanity.

January

Ralph Nader declares himself a candidate in Iraqi election claiming that Shia and Sunni are basically the same religion. Bertie Ahern seen wearing Che Guevara T-shirt. Jose Mourhinho tries to buy striker, claiming that God told him to switch to 4-4-2 formation. Dick Cheney mentions Asian Earthquake and Iranian Nuclear Weapons programme in Same Fox News interview. Dollar drops to $1.41 against Euro.

February

Nader urged to soften anti-gun stance. Claiming to stand for disenfranchised, visits Fallujah, subsequently disappears. Bertie Ahern walks into health food store wearing Kaftan and buys some Granola. Chelsea reach final of Coca-Cola cup after beating Man United. Wayne Rooney dropped after missing chance; video footage shows him eyeing up babes in OAP section. Condoleeza Rice points out that earthquake epicentre roughly equidistant from Iran and North Korea. Dollar drops to $1.63

March

Sadaam Hussein reelected unanimously. Lawyers challenge verdict, Baathists buy “Sore Loserman” posters on eBay. Iraq sees levels of violence unmatched since previous week. Bertie Ahern joins in M20 protest in Dublin. Mary Harney moves to tackle Irish obesity crisis by applying for foreign nationality. Donald Rumsfeld claims that aerial photography shows Iranian nuclear scientists trying on some scuba-diving gear. Dollar drops to $2.04

April

Sadaam’s appearance deteriorates, US military deny trying to poison him by adding subliminal messages to his Britney Spears albums urging him to eat the dirt under his toenails. Michael Moore points out that no such accusations had been made, ignored by mainstream media. Mary Harney applies for US citizenship. Sent home from Boston airport after temperamental response to “Are you or have you even been a communist?” query. Paul Wolfowitz claims that evil laughter has been heard emanating from University of Tehran seismology department. Dollar drops to $2.21

May

Sadaam found dead in cell. Baathists claim North Korean precedent for having asentient leader. Mary Harney applies to become German. Berlin says it would prefer Michael McDowell. Bush mentions war on terrorism in speech about plate tectonics. Chelsea win premiership, FA Cup, Champions league. Roman Abramovich buys Labour Party, elected Prime Minister. Mike Skinner releases new 3-CD concept album Waterloo, about the time he lost some toilet roll. The Guardian hails it as a “White-Knuckle ride into a Dostoevskian underworld” Dollar drops to $3.35

June

After Iraqi recount, Dick Cheney elected president. Single cheering Iraqi repeatedly shown on Fox News. Cheney moves to Baghdad, given harem with forty comely maidans. Arnold Schwarzneger appointed Vice President of US. Mary Harney applies to become Brazilian but told would fit into tight speedoes. Bertie plans to spend summer in Calcutta feeding hungry children. Hears about monsoon season, changes mind. Dollar drops to $9.99.

July

Iraq renamed Halliburtonia. Hating freedom made capital offence. Incarceration rates reach US levels. One comely maiden turns out to be a lesbian. Given phone number of daughter, name of good barber, instructions on how to wear baseball cap backwards, and US citizenship. Bush declares that war on terrorism and war on Earthquakes are inseparable. Prime Minster Abramovich agrees, foreign Minster Mourhinho dissents, gets sack. Bertie Ahern stands outside Brown Thomas Naked in protest against sale of fur coats. Dollar drops to $14.92

August

Mary Harney becomes Halliburtonian citizen. Irish obesity levels drop by 8%. Record Heatwave hits France, killing 100,000. Bush responds by announcing new “Save the Trees” initiative in which any American who lives near a wooded area is given free chainsaw. Minor tremor hits California, Bush declares that time has come to invade Iran. Dollar drops to $50.

September

George Bush asks congress for half a trillion dollars to fight war in Iran. Head of finance subcommittee says he can’t work out if this is viable as he only has eight digits on his calculator. AIB lend Bush money, financing the loan by selling three repossessed houses in Foxrock to Chinese industrialists. Shocked by violence in country, Mary Harney tells Cheney that she knows someone who can sort out this mess. Value of dollar falls to 2 Vietnamese dong.

October

Abramovich warns Bush not to Invade Iran at this time of year, as it gets nippy there in winter. Bush dismisses claims. Donald Rumsfeld shows American public computer-generated images of the Iranian governments secret under-water earthquake-making machine, urges American mothers to knit woolly jumpers. Bertie buys guitar and sits in a tree outside the US embassy singing “Masters of War” repeatedly. China declared world’s pre-eminent economic power, rubs hands together gleefully.

November

Invasion of Iran begins. Rumsfeld dismisses claims that American soldiers are underequipped, arguing that the crossbows sold to them by Navajo tribesmen are more than a match for the armour they sold the Shah in the 70’s. Dollar bills sold on eBay for use as wallpaper by Europeans. Germans stop making stuff altogether. ECB considers rate cut. Michael McDowell appointed Hallibutonian minister for justice. Seeks to ban drinking and smoking. Cheney checks to see if Halliburton have interests in Brewing or Tobacco. Brian Cowen announces substantial welfare increases. Unemployed Dubliners buy small American villages on eBay. Ian Paisley dies of Heart attack after being sent envelope with “decommissioning photos” stamped on it, which turn out to be pix of chix with dix. Gerry Adams tries to deny responsibility, bursts out laughing.

December.

Smoking, drinking, dancing and watching funny stuff on TV banned in Halliburtonia. Former Baathists call McDowell a fascist and are publicly shot in Baghdad, which has been renamed Freetown. US military get bogged down in Iran. Asked if the country is becoming another Iraq, Rumsfeld says he can’t remember which is which. America renamed eBayland. Dutch government buy New York for E24 and rename it New New Amsterdam. Tulips planted in Central park. Jose Mourhinho declares self God, Frank Lampard his representative on Earth, tries to decide whether Duff or Robben is best suited to Holy Spirit role. Meditating nakedly on the Beach in Inchidony, Bertie sees bandwagon and jumps on it. Bush tells world that God told him to invade Iran. Mourhinho says he recalls no such thing. Ebaylish Christian right become disillusioned and commit mass suicide. Power Vacuum ensues, Michael Moore becomes president after coup d’etat. Promises to pay off national debt by having lipsuction and selling body fat as bio-fuel. Promises to pull Ebayish troops out of Middle East. Soldiers refuse to come home, set up own military state, declare war on eBayland. Moore wonders how he got into such a mess, falls asleep on nuclear button. Armageddon averted after it turns out eBayland’s nuclear arsenal was sold over web. Mystery buyer turns out to be Osama Bin Laden. World says “Oh Shit!”