Bowled out for '06?

Here, a bit later than I anticipated, are my predictions for this year.

January:
Seamus looks through predictions for last year. Notes that he didn't predict Liverpool winning European cup. Predicts that Liverpool will overcome Luton 5-3 in thrilling FA Cup tie.
Passenger seen dragged onto ship in Shnnon wearing Ball and Chain. Bertie denies any impropriety on part of Americans. Cold snap hits Northern Hemisphere pushing up price of gas. Ha Ha, say Russians. Seamus admits to self that if he couold understand the risk equalisation issue he might possibly think that Mary Harney was right. Average commuting time to Dublin increases to one and a half hours. Bertie reminds everyone that in bad old days people had no cars and had to spend whole time shooting up heroin.

Febuary:
Makes us shiver. George Bush denies global warming responsible, wearing confused look on face.Fight breaks out in Bagdhad between American soldiers arguing about whether the insurgency is being fought by Shias or Sunnis. Death toll reaches 121. Tony Blairs argues against reclassifying cannabis as a class A drug, wearing smile on face.

March:
Bereaved families of American dead set up camp outside White Houes, with banners asking Bush if he knows who the good guys are. White House refuses to comment. Chilling screams heard from US plane which shatter windows in Shannon area. Bertie claims that American soldier was reacting to stories of hardship Irish people suffered when Fine Gael were last in power.

April:Chelsea lose to Liverpool in Champion’s League semi-final. Abramovich invites Mourinho into office, turns round on swivel chair and greets him while stroking cat. Trapdoor opens but Mourinho held up by weight of ego and survives. Tony Blair rejects calls for inquiry into incident, saying, hey, you know, he seems like… What was the question again?

May:
Starts getting warm. George Bush goes on holiday to Texas. Protestors follow. SSIAs mature. Run on prada handbags causes shortage which leads to riots in Grafton Street. Micheal McDowell blames combination of dissident republicans and Polish immigrants for incident. Hear, hear; says Pat Rabitte.

June:
Heatwave hits central US. Protestors outside George Bush’s ranch build big fan to keep selves warm. Record temperatures also recorded in Dublin. Bertie says that when Fine Gael were last in power, people only knew about the sun from illustrations that were washed up on the coast from Spain. When asked about Kyoto, refers to it as a dead issue.

July:
Major Earthquake hits somewhere in Central Asia. World’s media gets in Tizzy for a few days. Kerry Katona not hurt, reads headline in Irish Sun. Bob Geldof organizes benefit gig where a reformed U2 play. When informed that they never split up, storms out calling everyone a big bunch of shaggin’ cynics. Protestors fan collapses killing many. Rapture index up to 231.

August:
Global heatwave causes polar bears to seek kidney replacement. Bush invites press to Texas to deny that global warming exists but decides that it’s too hot out and goes back to watch football on TV with Aircon at full blast. Looking at sunset from Tuscan Villa, Tony Blair notices that Sun is really, really red.

September:
Annoyed by constant noise coming from outside ranch, Bush grabs oozy from security guard and massacres protestors. Condoleeza Rice warns world not to overreact saying that this is a new type of war we are fighting here. World leaders are asked to reconsider their support for Bush. Angela Merkel says that when Germany had a hand-on leader like this things were a lot better. Berlusconi says that last two times italy pulled out of war everyone called them cowards and he’s not going to let that happen again. Tony Blair says, hey, you know, we all get a bit stressed sometimes. Rapture index up to 239.

October:
David Cameron subtly suggests that Tony Blair may be a dope addict after he fails to show up for reopening of parliament citing bad vibes as reason. John Prescott tries to defend him but fails to pronounce the word Marajuana properly.

November:
Plane arrives into Shannon with words “Ha Ha we are torturing people and there’s fuck all you can do about it, you European pussies” painted on in big red lettering. Bertie says that when Fine Gael were in power none of us had enough money to worry about sand niggers being tortured. Meanwhile, Letterkenny becomes commuter town for Dublin. David McWilliams hails this development as a sign that Ireland is now the best place in the history of the universe. Tony Blair admits on TV that he occasionally has a puff of dope now and again. Gordon Brown says he noo it, demands leadership.

December:
Floods hit Bangkok, Amsterdam and Venice, killing hundreds of thousands and wiping 6% of the worlds economy away in a stroke. “I want to get back with Bryan”, reads Irish Mirror Headline. New British leader Gordon Brown appoints Bob Geldof chief of commission to supply Aid. Questions over political judgment raised . Generous Irish response prompts Bertie to say that if this had happened 20 years ago we wouldn’t have given a brass farthing because we were all too poor. Pat Rabitte says that we should concentrate on helping people in our own country, so we should. George Bush says that if he hears one more fucking question about global warming he’ll kill everyone in the room. After a pregnant pause, a fox news journalist asks if he thinks the Iranian government had anything to do with this.
Rapture index reaches 250. Jesus comes back down to Earth. Bertie says that when Fine Gael were in power we had no visitors from Israel because of the poor facilites on offer at the time. 144,000 Syrian Christians from Indian state of kerala go to heaven, rest of us perish. Immediately before being cast into hell, Bertie says sure how bad could it be, I’ve lived under a Fine Gael Government.