Are Dubya & Condi gettin' it on?

Last week I predicted that after Condoleeza Rice was promoted to Secretary of State, either Paul Wolfowitz or Richard Perle would be her successor. Turns out it’s actually Tony Hadley, former lead singer with Spandau Ballet. I was wondering what became of him.

Meanwhile I’ve read so many gushing encomia to the talent and intelligence of Ms. Rice that I’m left wondering how such a nice, smart girl fell in with such ruffians as Rummy and Cheney.

But there’s also a gentle probing about Bush’s relationship with Condi. While all comment on her loyalty to the Bush family, the final paragraph of her profile in Sunday’s Tribune, for example read: “The unmarried Ms. Rice frequently spends weekends with the Bushes at Camp David.”

Hmmm. Do I detect the merest hint of a suggestion of an indication that the Camp David master bedroom is being utilised as a programme-related facility site for some interracial rumpy-pumpy? Is Laura being told that she looks a bit frazzled after her long journey and that she should lie down and take a few Ritalin while Condi tells Hubby how Pakistani militants are penetrating the Hindu Kush through the Khyber Pass? It’s certainly unlikely that Dubya asks the classically trained pianist to play the poignant andante from Beethoven’s 29th.

I’d love if Bush and Rice got caught making the beast with two backs. It would reveal him to be the hypocrite that he is and lead to a decimation of his evangelical support in midwestern swing states and possibly to riots in the secessionist south an to some of his more fanatical supporters committing suicide. Basically a good thing all round.

None of this is going to happen. But if Bush wasn't the worst thing to happen to the Western world since Hitler, I might have a modicum of sympathy for him. Having twins is a painful process which leaves many women desexualised and as the Bushes haven’t had any children since there’s every possibility that Laura is one of them. In any case it’s hard to imagine sex with her being that gratifying as she’d have that same glazed, vacant look on her face the whole way through. It’s easy to see how he could be beguiled by Rice, devouring up her discourse about world affairs with a greedy ear.

I was one of the people who thought the criticism of Bill Clinton and Diamond Joe Quimby was way over the top and that if women marry politicians they should expect status and wealth but hardly fidelity. In every other epoch leaders of large civilisations had large harems. Mamoulion the Bloodthirsty of Morocco was said to have fathered 900 children, though he wasn't a proponent of ‘Family Values’

It’s harder to see what’s in it for Condi, though of course it was someone in her position who once said that power was a great aphrodisiac. What, though, could she see in him apart from that? She’s a multitalented woman, and though she’s obviously much more intelligent than the president, but while she’s had to work hard for everything she’s achieved, while he’s a spoilt upper class brat who was born with a silver foot, I mean spoon, in his mouth. At an age when he was womanising, boozing and snorting coke, she was professor of international relations at Stanford. And she made the opposite journey through America to him, she from Alabama to the West Coast, he from Conneticut to Texas.

It’s true that many African-Americans have become successful, but most of them have done so by working for the man, whether by perpetuating negative stereotypes of themselves in hip-hop lyrics or spreading drugs through their own communities. But it’s disconcerting to see that one of their finest minds working for the Man, especially when the Man is George W Bush.

But there’s another way of looking at their putative affair. There’s a French movie which I’m sure Bush has never seen called Max mon Amour in which Max is a chimpanzee and his paramour is a Parisian Bourgeois woman. It’s obvious that the relationship is more about power than eroticism, as the chimp is never in a position to walk out on her and is dependent on her for food and shelter. The downside is that chimps can’t give good back rubs or tell women how nice their new dresses are, and their penises are only about two inches long.

It’s a little facile to suggest that just because George W Bush looks like a monkey that he has a small penis. There is a theory, though, that the reason most African males are poor in monetary terms is that they’ve never needed to prove that they’re men by accumulating wealth and status because they have enough manhood hanging from their groins. In contrast, if you read American Dynasty by Kevin Philips, you’ll learn, if you didn't know already that there’s nothing so low, so devious or so underhand that the Bush family wouldn't do it to acquire power and status. What is it that they’re compensating for? I’m not going to suggest that just because ‘Bush’ is the family surname, they’re all unsure of their masculinity. That would be just tacky.

Nevertheless, though Bush is president of the United States and could sack Rice any time he wanted I think most of the power in their relationship lies with her. Bush is surrounded by people who’ve been in Washington far longer than he and have a better idea how things work, and a far better understanding of the world around them. As Dubya ain’t much of a reader by all accounts, he relies primarily on Rice for information about how to deal with both Washington and the rest of the world.

Once again, what’s in for Condi? Well, she’s still young and some of the underlying demographics suggest that white people might be in a minority in the United States within a couple of decades. So if the old white ram really is tupping the black ewe Rice may be just biding her time, letting Dubya have his clumsy, flailing way with her and tossing him the odd banana while she mentally measures the White House curtains. In following him she may just be following herself.

After all, none of us are truly masters, nor can all masters be truly followed.